Plus one.
Blissful basking is quickly clouded by the bitter sting of shared pain. I am suddenly grateful for the bright rays of the early morning sun that necessitated the dark shades now hiding the tiny pools collecting behind them. Concentrating on the road and not letting those pools become rivers, I hear a sniff and see his hand raise to his eyes. I don’t want to spoil the mood with the heavy feelings in my heart of the blessing we have yet to meet but his words, his hands and his eyes have released the dam and let the tears flow.
Five years later, how can the wound be so fresh that the smallest little pick peels back the scab? Do wounds of the heart ever heal? Perhaps. Maybe some. Not this one, I suspect. A precious soul, one whose absence we feel so keenly, can't be reduced to a thin red line that slowly fades to white. The space that missing someone leaves behind aches like a phantom limb.
He looks at the 5 year-old version of himself sitting behind us singing a favorite song. We are both thankful for that gift which would not be here without the loss of the other according to the cycles of biology set in motion many moons ago. I am thankful for the gift of him who isn't afraid to say "plus one" and who isn't too busy being a big man to mourn for that tiny one.
Only You can answer our why’s. Only You can answer our prayers. Only You can soothe our souls. Thank you, dear Father!
Happy Father’s Day, my dear.
Thank you for sharing this reflection from the heart. From another mother who has my own "plus one" waiting in heaven.
ReplyDeleteEvery night I have started adding a prayer at the end of my litany of patron saints as I tuck my girls into their beds, asking their sibling in heaven to pray for them, watch over them and intercede for them so that one day they may all meet face to face in heaven. It is a small joy to counterbalance the sorrow, to be able to share that name with them and that hope as well as the knowledge that there is one little innocent soul who has proceeded us and who will help us get there.
We too pray for the intercession of our little one in Heaven and my children, being older now, also know the name we gave to their sibling and they discuss her fondly and included her in family picture drawings. It helps to ease the ache of this time of separation.
ReplyDeleteOh my, I wasn't expecting that. What a beautiful post. We have a "plus one" too, and it is sometimes so surprising how much we can miss one whose face we have yet to see. I am so thankful to my Catholic friends (IRL, and blog friends) who have helped me to understand that our baby is not just floating around in heaven, but actively interceeding for our family. That is so beautiful, it makes me cry every time I think of it! Thank you for sharing this post today.
ReplyDeleteYour post was beautiful. I have my own "plus six" my first almost ten years ago. That fresh sting of pain is still there when I think of that loss.
ReplyDeleteYesterday our priest gave a beautiful homily about doing God's will without knowing all the why's. It was a good reminder to me that I may never understand. My job is to faithfully accept. "His ways are not our ways."
thank you for those beautiful thoughts - from one "plus one" mom, to another :)
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful, Charlotte.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your sweet words. Sue, I wasn't expecting it either. It really caught me off guard when this simple moment turned into something more in the van on the way to church. I wanted to record it for myself primarily and for my husband. It was such a lovely reminder that these little ones are truly with us always.
ReplyDeleteA beautiful tribute to the strong man beside you for life. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful post, Charlotte. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI lost my "plus one" on June 21, 2000. I'll never forget. Ever.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this little reminder. We lost our "plus one" who was due on May 5, 2005 and we too have a little one that would not be here without that loss.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you
Bless you, Charlotte...and bless your good man, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing such a poignant reflection on your love and loss...we have a "plus one" also and the, as you've so eloquently put it, the wound never completely heals...and yet I rejoice in it. I rejoice that the memory of our lost little one remains fresh, that she is still part of our family and God willing, will one day greet us in Eternity.
Thank you for sharing such a sweet, sweet moment...
A great post. Enjoyed reading your blog tonight.....I love finding new blogs...Had a little time to blog hop tonight while waiting to go to the hospital and welcome a new grandson tomorrow. This month I am posting about our Disney trip, plus a great giveaway.
ReplyDeleteLovely reflection. Husbands are so wonderful when they surprise us like that! :)
ReplyDeleteGorgeous. Having plus two, I know my husband holds them deeper in his heart than I do, and I always marvel at his depth of feeling for all of our children.
ReplyDeleteIt is a great beauty that men hold, to reveal their whole hearts in their love for their children. You are a blessed woman.
Happy Father's Day indeed.
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ReplyDeleteThank you for this perfectly God-timed post. My daughter just miscarried a week ago. I read her both posts and she felt less hopeless.
ReplyDeletewe have one of those too, charlotte. and though the pain never is completely gone, we, too are thankful for the little one God sent right after. not a replacement by any means, but another blessing. from a loving Father, who certainly knows all too well the pain of losing a son.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you both.
That was beautiful. Our children talk freely of our "plus two" often. They are all amazing.
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